Hi Ailsa There are 23k words preceding these. Sadly because this is short there is little context. I want to try to show a transition from cerebral activity to visceral activity with the physical description of a smile. Writing the smile has become a conceit, but I want to dislocate the reader, make them think about what a smile is. Its animal aspects. that’s why I asked you if you had written a good smile. I might not be able to make this bit, or any of this work but I want to try. The endnotes are my in-text notes from word. It is how the browser displays them. I do not want to use any metaphor in this!
“Alright.” Elsa sits up, and swings her legs off the bed. She looks back at Aki still lying quietly. Its starts with little creases around Aki’s mouth and then her white teeth become visible. Fine lines appear around her twinkling[HWH2] blue eyes and creases deepen in the corners of her mouth. Then the flesh of her cheeks puckers and bunch up as her grin [HWH3] deepens until her brown lips frame her fully exposed teeth[HWH4] . She tilts her head a little and shards of light reflect brightly from her eyes. Elsa smiles too.
[HWH1]Third virtual person Roslyn Ignore for now. This a secondary dialogue I have to develop.
[HWH2]Too close to a metaphor how else to say this? sparkling and twinkling are too clichéd
[HWH3] grin I don’t want to use this word.
[HWH4]Think about how a smile evolves